


One Piece Omake Collection

by Opalsong, Syr



Category: One Piece
Genre: Anatomy Questions, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Chubby bunny, Crack, Cyborg Index, Gen, Humour, Music Included, Omake collection, POV Smoker's Pants, Podfic, Podfic Length: 20-30 Minutes, Reindeer Puberty, Sound Effects, The Return of Maze Castle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-05 12:59:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syr/pseuds/Syr
Summary: Five things that could have happened in One Piece.  Includes: Chubby Bunny with swords, Pants eating ice cream, Reindeer puberty, Franky's Cyborg Index, Maze Castle, and Anatomy questions.





	One Piece Omake Collection

cover art by Opalsong

### Streaming Audio

### Download

[MP3](http://opalsong.parakaproductions.com/podfic/One%20Piece/One%20Piece%20Omake%20Collection.mp3) | 24:09 | 33.6 MB  
---|---|---  
[Podbook](http://opalsong.parakaproductions.com/podfic/Audiobooks/One%20Piece/One%20Piece%20Omake%20Collection.m4b) | 24:09 | 11.7 MB  
  
### Music

_Adventure World_ by Delicatessen  
_Dark Water_ by Mikko Tarmia

### Crosspost

cross posted at amplificathon, my journal, and AO3

** Chubby Bunny (But With Swords) **

_Sword Island_  
_Home to dozens of mediocre sword smiths and thousands of mediocre swords._  
_The prices are great, the swords, not so much. A popular destination for pirates who want armaments, but don’t have a lot of money._

The nine Straw Hat pirates wandered the wharf, window shopping the wears. Nami complaining loudly that they had nothing useful for sale.

“Zoro?” Usopp asked. “I’ve always wondered, how do you talk with a sword in your mouth?” 

“Huh?” Zoro grunted.

“Three sword style. You carry one sword in your mouth, but it doesn’t seem to stop you from talking clearly, why is that?”

“I talk,” Zoro said bluntly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But you have a sword in your mouth.”

“Yeah?”

“How do I talk?” Brook asked. “I’m dead.” Everyone ignored him.

“You’re amazing, Zoro!” Chopper said, with stars in his eyes.

“If Moss Head can do it, it must be easy,” Sanji added, taking a drag on his cigarette.

“ **What did you say!?** ”

“I bet I could talk with two swords in my mouth!” Sanji announced.

“Yeah? I could talk with three!” Zoro said. It was on now.

“I could talk with ten swords!”

“We should have a competition,” Robin suggested calmly. “Whoever can speak clearly with the most swords in their mouth wins.”

“That sounds SUUPERRRRRR!” Franky said.

“Nami, I assume you’re not playing,” Robin went on.

“Of course I’m not playing! I’m not sticking a sword in my mouth, that’s disgusting!”

“Perfect. Then you can be the judge.”

“WHAT!”

Chopper stuck one hoof up in the air like he was in school. “I’m playing too! What should we say?”

“What about ‘Da Ladies luv Bone King’?”

Nami deftly smacked Brook on the head, raising a lump. “No.”

“What about ‘Chubby Bunny’?” Luffy said. “That’s funny. Haha! Chubby Bunny!”

“You’re the captain,” Nami sighed.

“I’ll win for you, Nami,” Sanji promised. Nami ignored him.

“If I win will you sh-” Brook started to say. Nami hit him again.

“Usopp, you go first,” Zoro said, grabbing the nearest sword from a protesting vendor.

“Why me?”

“Because this whole thing is your fault.”

Usopp almost dropped the sword, but managed to fit the hilt into his mouth. “Chbb Bnnee”

“Fail,” Nami announced.

“What?” Luffy said. “That sounded good to me.”

“I’m the judge and he failed to enunciate clearly,” Nami said, arms folded. “It’s a fail.”

Chopper, Franky and Brook also failed.

“I should have used a rumble ball,” Chopper said sadly. “Then I could grow bigger.” Robin patted him on the head comfortingly.

“My turn, Nami!” Sanji said. “Cheer for me!”

Sanji put the first sword in his mouth and said perfectly. “Chubby Bunny.” Two swords. “Chubby Bunny.” On the third he had trouble. “Ch-chubbb-ee  Buuun-ny” The fourth was even worse and Nami announced it a fail.

“I thought you said you could do ten swords,” Zoro taunted.

“I’d like to see you do any better,”

“Just watch.”

Zoro also failed in the fourth sword.

“MY TURN!” Luffy shouted, grabbing his cheeks and stretching his rubber face until his mouth was ten times its normal size.

“No Devil Fruit powers!” Sanji complained.

“But Chopper already used them,” Luffy said, his face still stretched.

Nami nodded. “That’s right. Chopper didn’t compete in his reindeer form.”

“That means I can do _this_ ,” and Luffy made his face even bigger. People were starting to stare. “Give me swords!”

Luffy was able to fit over a hundred swords in his mouth and still say “Chubby Bunny” clearly enough for Nami to give him the point. When he tried with a hundred and fifty, things went wrong. One sword slipped out and the rest followed in a cascading avalanche of cheaply manufactured pointy death sticks. People ran screaming in all direction. Luffy just laughed.

“I win! That means you have to buy me as much meat as I want!”

Usopp groaned. “There’s not enough meat on the whole _island_ for that.”

“MEEEEAAAAATTT!!!!” Luffy shouted.

“Excuse me, but I haven’t tried yet.” Robin said.

“You’re playing?” Usopp asked.

As means of reply, Robin closed her eyes and folded her arms in front of her, the way she always did when using her Flower-Flower abilities.

Mouths appeared all over her body. When she ran out of room on her own skin, mouths appeared on the ground, spreading outwards like a wave. Hundreds of mouths. Thousands. Innocent bystanders screamed as mouths sprouted on their chests and legs. Then arms appeared, grabbing swords and throwing them expertly. Each mouth caught a sword in its teeth and held it there. Children started crying. Adults screamed and tried to run, but they couldn’t outrun the mouths. Every sword on the entire island was accounted for.

Robin opened her eyes and, using her own mouth, the only one without a sword in it, said, in a calm, perfectly clear voice: “Chubby Bunny.”

 

** Smoker’s Pants **

_Aboard the Navy ship G-5_

All the ice cream has gone missing. Captain Tashigi thinks it’s because she lost her glasses again. The truth is far more fan _pants_ tical.

Captain Tashigi’s glasses are on her head. Her crew hasn’t told her because they think it’s adorable. Her crew are all assholes. Vice Admiral Smoker hasn’t told her because he honestly Does Not Give A Fuck. He hasn’t noticed that the ice cream has gone missing. He has noticed the mysterious sticky stain on his pants.

If Vice Admiral Smoker’s pants could talk they would say. “Iccceee Creeeeaaaaamm. Iccee CRREEAAAMMM. IIICCCCCCEEE CCRREEAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM.”

No ice cream is safe.

 

** Maze Castle  **

_Somewhere inside the Maze Castle maze._

“We have to split up, or we’ll never win the money,” Nami said. “ **And we will win the money**.” She clutched her staff and spoke with the intensity of a billion exploding suns. “I paid the cover charge for us to enter this competition and you **will** pay me back. **With interest**.”

The rest of the Straw Hats were too scared to argue.

“We’ll go in three groups,” Nami continued, “me, Robin, and Franky. Then Luffy, Sanji and Brook. Last group is Usopp, Chopper and Zoro.”

“What!?” Sanji protested. “Why is Franky with you and not ME?”

“The groups are arranged by who’s most likely to get out first,” Nami said matter-of-factly. “Now let’s go!” She sped off at a run, dragging Robin and Franky with her.

Sanji, Luffy, and Brook took off after them.

Zoro was asleep.

“Wait a second,” Usopp said suspiciously. “If we’re grouped by who’s most likely to succeed in escaping a maze… and we’re with Zoro… that means…”

“She thinks we’ll fail!?!” Chopper shouted.

“Who thinks we’ll fail,” Zoro said, waking up. “I’ll cut them!”

“Noooo! Don’t cut Nami!”

“We’ll escape in no time,” Zoro said. “I’ve already memorized the layout of the maze. Follow me.”

“But that’s the way we came!” Usopp said.

Zoro ignored him. “Mazes are easy, you always turn right and you’ll make it to the end.”

“You just turned _left._ ”

“Usopp, are we going to die?” Chopper asked, trotting along to keep up with Zoro through the maze.

“I brought snacks,” Usopp said shakily. “Enough to last us maybe three days.”

“This is very familiar!” Zoro said ahead of them. “The way out is definitely to the left.”

“You just turned _right._ ”

“Three days isn’t enough!” Chopper said. “I don’t want to starve.”

“How did you two get ahead of me?” Zoro demanded, walking towards them.

“We didn’t?”

“Well, don’t get turned around, I’ve almost got us out of here.”

Chopper started to cry.

***

“We found it!” Nami exclaimed jubilantly. “The money is _mine_!”

“Unless someone else got out first,” Robin said.

“No way! Our team is SUPERR!” Franky shouted.

They rounded the last corner and ran through the final archway, out of the maze. Then she stopped in her tracks, frozen in horror.

Zoro was leaning against the castle wall, fast asleep, using an enormous pile of gold as a pillow. Chopper and Usopp clung to each other like drowning sailors on a sinking ship.

“How did you get out first!?” Nami demanded.

“I don’t knooooow!” Chopper wailed.

“Nothing is real anymore!” Usopp added.

Nami pulled herself together, marched up to Zoro and grasped the prize bag. “I’ll be taking this.”

“We won that,” Usopp said. “I have no idea how it happened! But we did!”

Nami got that glint in her eye, the one that she got whenever she convinced a storeowner to give her a discount.

“But you _owe_ me, remember?” she said, dripping with false innocence. “I’m just collecting.”

“The entry cost was one Berry per person,” Usopp said.

“I charge 300% interest,” Nami said, dragging the prize away. “Compounded. By the **minute**.”

Chopper and Usopp’s jaws hit the floor.

“Hey!” Zoro said, waking up. “That’s my pillow.”

“I’ll buy you a real pillow,” Nami said sweetly. “Just remember to pay me back.”

 

** Franky’s SUPERRR Cyborg Index**

_An incomplete index of Franky’s cyborg enhancements and existential commentary._

Nose: Press for 3 seconds to extend hair. See also: Cola sinuses. See also: Bad ideas.

Nipples: High intensity flashlights. See also: Why do men have nipples? See also: Why don’t women have nipples? See also: Nipple play. See also: No nipples for the weak. See also: Nipple power.

Hands, giant: For strength and to manipulate large items. See also: Bigger is better

Hands, tiny: Extend from palms of giant hands. For detail work and to hold a delicious margarita. See also: Sanji’s margarita recipe

Stomach: Removed and replaced with mini-fridge and cola powered engine. See also: COLA ONLY See also: I’M SERIOUS! KEEP THAT CARROT JUICE AWAY FROM ME!

Fire breath: Because it’s awesome. See also: _Great_ ideas.

Fart, explosive: For a quick escape when extremities are bound. See also: Comedy gold!

Centaur form: No explanation available. See also: What does a centaur look like? See also: Pervert. See also: No seriously, what does a centaur look like? I think I got it wrong. See also: Oops.

Ultimate Defence: Starfish, motherfuckers.

 

** Sanji vs Chopper vs Puberty**

_Aboard the Thousand Sunny_

Chopper skipped into the kitchen of the Thousand Sunny just as Sanji was lighting a cigarette. His thirty-second that day.

“Cotton Candy, Cotton Candy,” Chopper sang happily. “Sanji!” he exclaimed in greeting when he saw the cook. “Do you have any cotton candy for me?”

“I’ve got something even better,” Sanji said, stirring a big pot on the stove.

“Even better than cotton candy!?”

“I’ve got wisdom.”

Chopper’s face fell. He was the saddest reindeer on the ocean.

“You’re growing up,” Sanji continued, oblivious to Chopper’s sorrow. “You need some guidance.”

“Guidance about what?”

“About… you know… sewing your seeds.”

“Like a farmer?”

Sanji winked conspiratorially. “That’s right. Like a _farmer._ ”

Chopper didn’t know why Sanji wanted to talk about farming. Nami grew orange trees on the ship; maybe Sanji wanted him to plant something too?

“It’s a good thing ‘take samples’, you know.” Sanji said.

Chopper decided he should probably write this down. He pulled out a notepad and pen from his backpack and wrote _Take samples of dirt for testing._

“How many samples?” Chopper asked.

“As many as you can, but only from the best,” Sanji answered.

“How will I know which are the best?”

Sanji sighed, blowing out a smoke ring in the shape of a heart, which Chopper thought was impressive, but not really relevant to the conversation. “They’re all the best,” Sanji said.

Chopper wrote _Comprehensive testing_ on his paper. He liked using big words.

“We need to figure out your type,” Sanji said, lighting a new cigarette from the old one.

Chopper wrote _Which seeds?_ with a question mark.

“Not oranges,” Chopper said. He didn’t want to grow the same thing as Nami.

“No gingers?” Sanji asked. “Okay then, that’s a good place to start.”

Chopper wrote _Ginger is made from oranges._ He was learning new cooking facts already!

“What about brunettes?” Sanji asked.

Chopper knew ‘brunette’ meant ‘brown’ in French, so he wrote _Beans_ on his paper, since beans were brown. That must be what a ‘brunette’ was. He nodded enthusiastically.

“Great!” Sanji said. “Now we’re getting somewhere. Tall or short.”

Chopper knew the answer to that. “Tall!” he said. A tall plant could grow more beans. That was science. He wrote _Tall = Science_ on his paper because he didn’t want to forget.

Sanji stopped stirring to put kneel down and put an arm around Chopper. “The next island we reach,” he said, “You and I are going to go looking for some beautiful brunettes.”

“Okay! Can we get cotton candy too! I wish I could grow cotton candy on a vine.”

“Yes, yes,” Sanji said. “Stay focused now.”

Chopper felt hurt. He WAS staying focused.

“I bet there were some real knockouts on your island,” Sanji said. “Ahh! Beautiful Ladies.”

Chopper didn’t know why Sanji was changing the subject now, but he wasn’t surprised. “Oh, I don’t know about that,” he said, “I’m only interested in reindeer. I can’t wait to go shopping for beans and cotton candy with you!” And he marched happily out of the kitchen to see Nami to ask her for tips on starting a garden.

 

**Anatomy Lessons**

Many a wary sailor has asked the question: Where are Robin’s internal organs? The answer is obvious. They’re in her room. In the closet. In jars. She can make multiples, you know.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Paraka for hosting!


End file.
